It is often said, “If you don’t know the use of something, then abuse is inevitable.” Many people may easily dismiss these words as common cliché, but their weight becomes clear when you observe the misunderstandings between men and women.
Both men and women find it hard to fathom the purpose of the other, and as a result, abuse of one partner becomes an ugly reality in many relationships.
Firstly, let us look at how men relate to women. If I were to ask a group of men this question, “Do you know the purpose of a men in relationships?” many of them would probably say yes, but the truth is, many men go into relationships with the attitude that says, lets just do it and see what happens.
And it is this negative attitude that sets men up for dismal failure in the relationship component called SHARING (ability to freely communicate every aspect of your life with someone else).
Secondly, men tend to interpret communication of their weaknesses as vulnerability not as a mandatory element of a relationship. And this is because, to a large extent, our cultural background instilled the principle that real men do not cry. Therefore, we learn at an early age to bottle our emotions. Eventually, it becomes hard for anyone to change our mindset when we finally get into relationships. Perhaps we can recite an old idiom, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”
As a man, I can really relate to the taboos that men face. I recently got myself into a big financial crisis (don’t we all!) and I could not devise means to get myself out. And for weeks, my fiancee would ask, “What is wrong?” but, “I am fine,” was all she was getting. I thought I had proper reasons for not telling her. She would think I am weak, irresponsible and not in control.
Does that sound familiar? If you are a real man, you have probably found yourself in that situation.
After weeks of constant nagging, I finally decided to tell her the real problem. And guess what? She helped me find ways to get out of my mess without even one word of judgment. And out of this experience I learned two profound lessons about the dynamics of a relationship,
1. Women love men who are real- not those who don’t want to expose their vulnerabilities to the expense of their reality. And,
2. Hardships make relationships grow stronger.
And eventually, I was able to identify three important reasons why men act the way they do in their relationships with women.
#1. Lack of knowledge
Women possess great inherent resources of support, encouragement and comfort which lay dormant and gather dust if not used. Many men do not know that women are specialists in the emotion department while we are specialists in the logic department. Make use of the resources you have at your disposal, share.
#2. Our Design
It is in our nature as men to internalize our emotions. But we need to learn how to share our emotions with the women in our lives. Let’s face it, if we are going to spend the rest of our lives with them, why don’t we make them our best friends?
Women are vocal by nature. But for man, sharing is a skill you need to practice daily if you wanted to have a great relationship. As Bishop T.D Jakes often puts it, “Being a man does not make you emotionless.”
#3. Denial of REALITY
Every man experiences their fair share of mountains once in a while. Relationships should be headed by men, but if a man is obsessed with being in control, they tend to think that receiving from women is a weakness. Let us get real men—real men know when to admit when they are overwhelmed.
It is fine to be overwhelmed by life’s realities. It does not make you any less of a man to be in need. Real men are seen in challenges. As Dr. C. Motebang would put it,” Crisis does not build character, it reveals it.” When you begin to share everything you are going through with your woman, you relationship will become real and that will take your relationship to the next level.
Finally, my advice to women is, next time you make a subconscious judgement that men are weird, please consider the above reasons as your starting point and then deal with your men in great humility and understanding.
And men, GET REAL!
THAPELO JONAS [Your Very Own...Life Coach]
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