Men In Relationships---Tips for Women

It is often said, “If you don’t know the use of something, then abuse is inevitable.” Many people may easily dismiss these words as common cliché, but their weight becomes clear when you observe the misunderstandings between men and women.

Both men and women find it hard to fathom the purpose of the other, and as a result, abuse of one partner becomes an ugly reality in many relationships.

Firstly, let us look at how men relate to women. If I were to ask a group of men this question, “Do you know the purpose of a men in relationships?” many of them would probably say yes, but the truth is, many men go into relationships with the attitude that says, lets just do it and see what happens.

And it is this negative attitude that sets men up for dismal failure in the relationship component called SHARING (ability to freely communicate every aspect of your life with someone else).

Secondly, men tend to interpret communication of their weaknesses as vulnerability not as a mandatory element of a relationship. And this is because, to a large extent, our cultural background instilled the principle that real men do not cry. Therefore, we learn at an early age to bottle our emotions. Eventually, it becomes hard for anyone to change our mindset when we finally get into relationships. Perhaps we can recite an old idiom, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”

As a man, I can really relate to the taboos that men face. I recently got myself into a big financial crisis (don’t we all!) and I could not devise means to get myself out. And for weeks, my fiancee would ask, “What is wrong?” but, “I am fine,” was all she was getting. I thought I had proper reasons for not telling her. She would think I am weak, irresponsible and not in control.

Does that sound familiar? If you are a real man, you have probably found yourself in that situation.

After weeks of constant nagging, I finally decided to tell her the real problem. And guess what? She helped me find ways to get out of my mess without even one word of judgment. And out of this experience I learned two profound lessons about the dynamics of a relationship,

1. Women love men who are real- not those who don’t want to expose their vulnerabilities to the expense of their reality. And,

2. Hardships make relationships grow stronger.

And eventually, I was able to identify three important reasons why men act the way they do in their relationships with women.

#1. Lack of knowledge

Women possess great inherent resources of support, encouragement and comfort which lay dormant and gather dust if not used. Many men do not know that women are specialists in the emotion department while we are specialists in the logic department. Make use of the resources you have at your disposal, share.

#2. Our Design

It is in our nature as men to internalize our emotions. But we need to learn how to share our emotions with the women in our lives. Let’s face it, if we are going to spend the rest of our lives with them, why don’t we make them our best friends?

Women are vocal by nature. But for man, sharing is a skill you need to practice daily if you wanted to have a great relationship. As Bishop T.D Jakes often puts it, “Being a man does not make you emotionless.”

#3. Denial of REALITY

Every man experiences their fair share of mountains once in a while. Relationships should be headed by men, but if a man is obsessed with being in control, they tend to think that receiving from women is a weakness. Let us get real men—real men know when to admit when they are overwhelmed.

It is fine to be overwhelmed by life’s realities. It does not make you any less of a man to be in need. Real men are seen in challenges. As Dr. C. Motebang would put it,” Crisis does not build character, it reveals it.” When you begin to share everything you are going through with your woman, you relationship will become real and that will take your relationship to the next level.

Finally, my advice to women is, next time you make a subconscious judgement that men are weird, please consider the above reasons as your starting point and then deal with your men in great humility and understanding.

And men, GET REAL!

THAPELO JONAS [Your Very Own...Life Coach]

© Copyright 2008. All rights reserved

Persistance Ultimately Gets His Way

“It’s not all closed doors that are locked...some are closed on the account of weather."

Thapelo Jonas

Everyone has knocked at least on one door in their lifetime. Be it in applying for a job, acquiring that important capital for your business start-up or even applying for that university scholarship.

The reality of life is, we are all compelled to knock at certain doors in life for us to get ahead.

But guess what? Many of us are crippled by fear when we have to knock at some of these important doors.

The big question is why?

It is a song you will hear in many people’s lips, “there are no jobs; I have been trying to apply for years now…” And this anthem, in my two cents opinion, is not 100 percent accurate.

This is because the advent of the Internet has exposed people to online job applications, people can sit behind their chairs and send their curriculum vitae by means of an email and eventually conclude(by themselves) five days later that, the position was taken.

And yes, technology has afforded us convenience and speed, but it should not be a replacement for action-oriented approach our fore-fathers had. We should adopt that attitude that says “If they don’t reply to my application, I will physically go and knock on that door.”

There is an employer looking for someone with your talents, skills, personality, values and abilities but they are not always going to realize it by the four-page document dropping in their inbox.

Action is what separates extraordinary people from ordinary ones. But taking steps is not always an easy thing for some of us…how can you knock and get the answers you want?

# 1. Develop your speaking and writing skills

When you are applying for a position or trying to get capital for your business, you need to realize that you are selling a product called YOU. And how successful that product sells, depends on the power of persuasion that you have. Practice how you will use words when asked to describe why the potential employer should hire you.

Create a sales copy for a product YOU.

# 2. Brand yourself

You probably heard this before, “you don’t get a second chance to make first impressions”. Many people ignore the importance of image. Everyone you meet has perceptions about you; you cannot afford to let people brand you. Dress for success, look the part and before long you will be the part.

# 3. Develop positive self-talk

Your words have creating ability. You eventually become the product of your words, therefore if you continuously tell yourself, “I am the best, I will make it and I am destined for greatness….” You will eventually become.

And lastly, even if its only because they are annoyed by the knock, someone will always open the door for you.

Thapelo Jonas [Your Very Own...Life Coach]

© Copyright 2008. All rights reserved